Thank God For Ukitake
by VioTanequil
Summary: The Shinigami Men’s Association is sad. They’re sad. Really sad. So sad that they hold their meetings in former toilets, in storage rooms and basically anywhere they can get their hands on that’s not being used by the Shinigami Women’s Association.


Thank god for Ukitake-taicho, Hisagi thinks. Without him, the Shinigami Men's Association would be quite screwed. Then again, they are quite screwed anyway. They already are. They'd just be _more_ screwed. Well… scratch that. _Much_ more screwed. (And then, sometimes, he gets this feeling that said taicho is only there out of pity. That really hurts his manly ego. It really does.)

The Shinigami Men's Association is sad. They're sad. Really sad. So sad that they hold their meetings in former toilets, in storage rooms and basically anywhere they can get their hands on that's not being used by the Shinigami Women's Association. And speaking of their female counterparts…

They're not sure who they're more afraid of, really.

Yachiru is a bouncing pink bomb of hyper-ness that just explodes upon their heads, with the high-pitched squeals, happy exclamations and tyrannical demands for candy. No one knows how to handle her. No one except one of their members. Thank god for Ukitake-taicho.

Goodness knows how he manages to keep so much candy on him, and at the most opportune of moments as well. As of today, they are attempting to recruit Kuchiki-taicho. The Shinigami Men's Association has heard some interesting news regarding the snack-carrying status of the Sixth Division taicho. And as of yesterday, all their recruitment letters have been returned, not even opened. And Renji laughs in their faces every time they bring it up and ask about it.

They need more Yachiru-countering power, and they know it. When the day comes that Ukitake-taicho is not well enough to attend their meetings, and when Yachiru turns up, and they know she will, they're screwed. Royally and totally screwed. Hence the recruitment operation. Eleventh is completely inaccessible for this purpose, all of them, yes, including Zaraki, are under the pink demon's power. She has complete control over all of them. There is nothing they can do. Most other shinigami cower in fear at the mention of her name.

Which is why they want Kuchiki-taicho in the team. (I mean, c'mon. Does this guy _ever_ cower? Answer: No.)

Matsumoto has this way of getting Hisagi and Kira to do anything she wants them to do. Like getting out of the way, or getting Iba, Iemura and Omaeda out of the way. They all know that Hisagi can take them on, and win. Again, thank god for Ukitake-taicho.

Secretly, they figure that he must be gay. There's no other way to explain his behavior. He's certainly not attached, or at least, if he is, then Matsumoto doesn't know about it, which means that it's not anyone that they know. (And they know a lot of people. A lot. Too many to be named, too many to be counted. And well, they practically know all of Seireitei, and half of Rukongai.)

The guys also speculate that Ukitake-taicho has been around Kyouraku-taicho too much, and has been put off by his womanizing ways and has sworn off women, or sex altogether. That thought in itself is severely disturbing, and most of them try not to think about it. Then it hits them that they're not sure what they'd do if he hit on them. And then they hurriedly chuck that idea to the back of their heads, because they're all convinced, and especially Shuuhei and Kira, that they're completely, absolutely straight.

He has to be gay, Hisagi thinks. There's no other way he can react the way he does to Matsumoto, with the same happy smile as he does anyone else, and the casual wave of the hand to indicate that no, he does not really want to do as she says, and really, he doesn't care what she's doing to Hisagi or Izuru, because it's all their own fault and he will have nothing to do with it. And no, he is not moving from his seat.

But again, in case their white-haired and possibly gay savior is sick, the Shinigami Men's Association needs more firepower. They need more firepower to resist the charms of the sinfully deadly Matsumoto Rangiku. First division is out. Till this day, no one's sure if Sasakibe is blind or not. They're really not sure. Yamamoto-soutaicho is completely out of the picture. Pardon the expression, but they're manly man. Yamamoto-soutaicho is a manly _old_ man.

Kuchiki-taicho has, according to Renji, not even looked once at their invitations. The red haired monkey himself has laughed in their faces too many times to even consider joining them. Komamura-taicho has not been approached. There are some things that Iba dares to do. Invoking the wrath, or worse still, the lecture-giving mode of his taicho is not high on his list of things to do in order to keep his salary (and his life).

Hitsugaya-taicho, frankly, isn't old enough to have garnered an invitation, despite whatever anyone else says, the kid's a kid. And kids aren't men. Eleventh would never join. Yachiru has them wrapped around her little pinky. 'Nuff said. No one wants Kurotsuchi-taicho in the association, so they didn't bother. And Ukitake-taicho spoke up vocally about not letting Sentarou in, and not letting said third seat know that he was completely taken off the list of consideration by his most esteemed taicho. (Oh, the horrors of realizing that his almighty taicho has his limits too.)

Kyouraku-taicho is out, because they'll probably have to face an annoyed Hitsugaya-taicho when he ends up going out drinking with Matsumoto. Hitsugaya-taicho might just be sore about not getting an invitation. (Although both groups know that he'd never agree to join, and probably just wants the invitation for kicks. Mean little guy, that one.) And an irate Ise-fukutaicho. Speaking of which…

Ise-fukutaicho has this manner of the impending doom of the male civilization, especially when she needs something done. There's just something about the glasses and the bridge and the shiny thing that some how obscures the eyes that's freaky. The knowledge that she single handedly runs the Eighth Division, and has been doing so for about the last century, is even more impressive (and helluva lot scarier) to Hisagi and Kira, who know exactly what that's like.

And then that's the problem. Ukitake-taicho usually does not dare intervene whenever she shows up. So they're always, always, royally screwed when she shows up. They've speculated as to why he doesn't intervene, and they've come to one conclusion. He's too scared to intervene. He must be. And it must be because he's so close to Kyouraku-taicho that he's seen what Ise-fukutaicho can do to her captain to attempt to get him to do paperwork that he's afraid.

Or, as the slightly more romantic (read: perverted) Hisagi would like to think, Kyouraku-taicho has probably threatened everyone and anyone against touching his precious… flinch… Nanao-chan. That was a scary thought. In any case, it would appear that Ukitake-taicho was afraid of that, and as such, would not intervene.

It did not occur to any of them that yes, Ukitake-taicho is in the club just for kicks. Partly because the free sunglasses are funny to play with, and that sitting around in a storage room/abandoned toilet/whatever place they've been chased into is extremely fun. (He has an ongoing bet with Shunsui that the next place they'd end up is in the sewers. His (Shunsui's) Nanao-chan has a devious streak which the Eight Division Captain is all too aware of. Jyuushiro's betting that within the next ten years, they'd be forced into the sewers. Shunsui bet two. The bet involves… you guessed it… sake.)

He doesn't pity them. They're too pitiful to be pitied. And they certainly don't deserve their pity. C'mon. It's embarrassing to have every single invitation sent out returned and unopened, never mind that they only send invitations to one Kuchiki Byakuya who will never ever join the Shinigami Men's Association. He has enough rights for the whole of Seireitei, sure as hell doesn't need any more.

And he's definitely not afraid of Ise-san. He finds it hilarious when she attempts to chase the Shinigami Men's Association out of yet another even more pathetic hiding spot. It's hilariously funny. This confirms his suspicion that she has a devious streak. It's priceless to see her use the outdated moves that don't work on persuading Shunsui to do paperwork on the poor unsuspecting lieutenants. It's even better to see it work.

Nobody knows this, but she's not the most devious.

_He_ is.

* * *

Loosely inspired by the Shinigami Golden section at the end of anime episode 169.


End file.
